A beginners guide to having the most farcical and irritating day possible while attempting, in any way, to actually get on and ride your bike.
An example of about how useless my mountain bike was
Warning: This guide was developed after thorough testing by experts, in particular one Colin Gray, who has already lost most of his hair and therefore does not risk ripping even more of it out. Do not try this at home unless you have a handy batch of horse tranquilisers handy.
Step 1
When leaving the house with your bike, do not take a saddle and/or a seatpost. Upon arriving at the trail, swear profusely, then grin and bear it as the bike shop staff laugh at the idiot paying to rent something he already owns.
Step 2
Lose one of your skewer nuts, preventing any hope of affixing wheel to bike. Return to the bike shop. Discover said nut is obscure part X45d, not in stock since 1976, and bear it some more as the bike shop rent you a replacement wheel, laughter ascending to dangerous levels.
Step 3
Do not, under any circumstances remember to take water. Better yet, fill a bottle and leave it on the kitchen worktop so that the image of it hovers in your parched mind throughout your cycle. This step is especially important if it is, in fact, the hottest day of the year, temperatures causing severe loss of bodily fluid at the slightest movement.
Step 4
Tell your friends about each and every step of your fiasco, inducing much hilarity and piss-taking. This may or may not ensure that you repeat the previous steps on a future occasion, but will make certain that your day’s frustration peaks at least when you have a cold calming pint of ale at hand.
Can I add one too?
Don’t finish the ride and leave your helmet on the car roof, expecting to remember to put it in the car boot but then promptly forgetting and then driving home, to arrive of course, helmetless.
Nice addition David. I’ll add that to my to-do list for the next mountain biking outing – I’m sure the bike shop guys will be even more impressed when I turn up and ask to hire a helmet. I’ll be paying them through the quiet winter!
Colin
I would like to add that after finishing the ride and packing your own and a friends bicycle into the car, HAVING REMOVED THE FRONT WHEELS TO DO SO, having driven to the said friends home and removed his bicycle from the car, it is wise to then leave your own front wheel outside the car to ‘air’ for a period of time before returning to the car to discover your cycle and only a rear wheel are secured inside the vehicle and that the wheel left to ‘air’ has disappeared. This again seems to be a source of unrestrained hilarity when the tale is relayed to others, be they cyclists or not!
Shaun